The Black Muslim Time UK’s very own ‘Soul Surgeon’, Aadam Muhammad, a qualified life coach, will be here to provide expert marital advice to our readers.

(Twitter: @Aadam_xellent /  Instagram: @TheSoulSurgeon)

As salamu alaykum brothers and sisters.  I hope you’re doing well and filled with positivity.

In our last feature, we discussed the essential importance of developing yourself for marriage – as opposed to expecting your potential spouse to just automatically have all of those miraculous qualities you’ve always wanted in a partner. Well, today we’re going to be focussing on one particular method that will show you how you can develop those priceless qualities that will make you a highly desirable life partner to the right person.

Don’t go anywhere near marriage until you ‘fix your head’!  

I was a big fan of the recently deceased Afrocentric Psychatrist Dr. Francis Cress Welsing (Afua who authored the seminal book, ‘The Isis Papers – the keys to the colours’.  As well as using this book to launch her unique Unified Field Theory, she also highlighted the 9 major areas of people activity – those being economics, education, entertainment, labour, law, politics, religion, sex and war to support her perspectives.  I was fascinated by this and, after further study, decided to merge these areas into my own marriage coaching ideas and practice.

My approach involves the need to discover how much importance, relevance and worth we give to the topics of economics, education, entertainment, labour, law, politics, religion, sex and war. If these are indeed critical areas of people activity throughout all societies – then I believe we can also use them to ‘measure’ how much we understand about ourselves – and how we can then understand and relate to others.

Once you honestly, sincerely and genuinely assess yourself on how important each of the 9 areas are to you, you’ll have a greater indication of what is valuable in your life.   You can then use this as a platform to begin judging your compatibility with other people – including potential spouses!  Without a solid platform such as this, efforts to discover marriage compatibility are often swiftly reduced to wealth, physical appearance and social status.

Maybe, just maybe – but how compatible are we?

It’s widely understood within the field of marriage counselling and coaching, that incompatibility is perhaps the #1 reason why most marriages fail.  I wonder how many marriages would have never happened if the couple had a better understanding of their level and degree of compatibility from the outset?  So, it’s only logical that we should have a solid basis to form our possible compatibility on.  No more hit and miss; smiles behind tears and deafening silences.

Your 30 day coaching challenge

I want you to consider the 9 people activity areas mentioned above (economics, education, entertainment, labour, law, politics, religion, sex and war) and sincerely ask yourself how important they are to you.  For each of them, grade yourself between 1 to10 (1= unimportant, 10 = important) and circle the number which you believe is right for you.  There are no right and wrong answers and it’s up to you how you particularly define each people activity area.

Take your time with this.  There’s no haste, but you must be absolutely honest with yourself, as this may well be the means to ultimately find the right future partner for you – and avoid the hurt of getting it wrong.  Check out the completed example below:

Area Grade Total
Economics:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

2
Education:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important) 5
Entertainment:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important) 9
Labour:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important) 3
War:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important) 7
Sex:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important) 10
Politics:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important) 3
Law:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

5
Religion:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

4

 

Once you get your potential spouse to do the same exercise, you’ll be able to see:

  1. How much you really do have in common.
  2. If a marriage is probably not going to be worth considering.
  3. If it is worth trying to go for it!

Now it’s your turn.

Area Grade

 

Total
Economics:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

Education:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

Entertainment:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

Labour:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

War:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

Sex:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

Politics:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

Law:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

Religion:  (unimportant)  1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10. (important)

 

 

Please let me know how you get on with this exercise; your scores and your comments.  I’d be very interested in seeing how much you gained from it – and hopefully with the person you may spend the rest of your life with too.  I’m looking forward to receiving your feedback.

Final thoughts

“… He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts“.   (Surah Al Rum.  v. 21)

We owe it to ourselves to always aim to be the best that we can be.  Nobody wants to be with, or stay with, somebody who isn’t really trying to help themselves make the grade.  So, if a marriage is to stand a greater chance of succeeding, we have to recognise that our marriage will be a reflection of ourselves.  Let’s not be afraid to look in the mirror when we need to and ask ‘how much have you contributed to this?’  Ultimately, we need to ask Allah for help in making the right decision in a partner – but at least let’s try to meet Him halfway!

So, what ‘s next?

In the next feature, we’ll be looking at the natures of men and women and how we can learn to get along with our potential or actual spouse – now and forever!

See you in the next article, inshAllah!

Wa alaykumu salam wa barakat tuhu

Aadam

© 2016 A. Muhammad.  All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

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